Worst. Parents. Ever.

Today started off as a good day. It's a weekend. The weather is lovely. The first College Gameday of the year is on. And we are ready for some football.

But then we decided to go out for a family lunch. This turned out to be a bad idea on several levels. We drove aimlessly down the road until we spotted a new establishment, The Tilted Kilt (Pub and Eatery). "Great," we thought. Something Scottish and new. So we headed on in. I was too busy hustling children to notice the decal on the door, but when I walked in the "restaurant," the real life version met me at the hostess stand.

My eyes were immediately drawn to a very inappropriate place. Now I know what means to have a set of ta-tas in your face. I glanced around and noticed that the few tables that were filled were full of men. And boys! It appeared that several fathers had brought their sons to this place. I suppose I shouldn't judge, as we brought our four year old daughter and one year old son.

I was too stunned to speak, but before I knew it Kyle had us seated at a table for four. I heard him ask for a highchair and thought to myself, "my God, there's no way they even have a highchair here." On the list of things to purchase for the opening of the restaurant, TV's, tiny skirts, and push up bras were high on the list. I doubted that high chairs even occurred to anyone. But before I knew it, the scantily clad woman was setting a high chair at our table. They also had kids menus. Seriously.

What was I going to say, "I'm sorry, we're going to have to leave now because of all the ta-tas?" That would just be rude. So I sat down in time to notice that Kyle had positioned himself with a full view of the restaurant, so that he could better watch the comings and goings of the wait "staff." After we put in our drink orders, Scotlen asked "why doesn't that girl have her shirt pulled down?" It was then that we broke out the videos on our phones, hoping to distract her from the rampant and unfortunate wardrobe choices. Jonas for his part, was completely overwhelmed and immediately succumbed to a fever that no one had seen coming. He literally put his head down on the table and started to go to sleep.

I put Jonas in my lap and began to look for an order that could be prepared quickly. Very quickly. I settled on a salad. Luckily our food was out fast, and we scarfed it down before Scotlen's videos could end. It was the most bizarre meal of my life. There was little conversation, and most of it was whispered and involved stifling giggles. I stared at my salad like it was going to reveal the face of Jesus Himself. Midway through the meal, Kyle whispered "I feel like I'm cheating on you." "You are," I replied. Feeling like the worst parents in the world, we said ta-ta to the restaurant for the last time. For the record, the salad was quite tasty.